i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
