so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
