I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
