seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
