At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
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And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
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Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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