It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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