i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
