I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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