You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
