I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
