I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Randomize
