I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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