Sry I called you an 8
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize