if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
