Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
