I'm laying in your front yard are you home
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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