thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize