he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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