He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Sext me about skeletons
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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