Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
As shirtless as possible
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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