i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Damn victory sex feels great
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
