Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
