it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
