I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
