Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
