the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
