i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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