def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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