Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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