Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
It's just like the Real World with babies
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
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