Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
