The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
