The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
