I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
