I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
