we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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