i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
