I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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