just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
