so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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