i just sent this text using only my big toe
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
