Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
