According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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