I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
