Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
