theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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