Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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