Acid is not a monday night drug
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
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This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize