Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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