I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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