Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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