You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
