A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
