My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
