nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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