cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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