meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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