if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
