I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
