How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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