Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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